Girl Groups... the adult friend dilemma

Hard truth - I don’t have very many friends.  I never have.  For most of my life it bothered me that I didn’t have that core group of girlfriends.  I would watch the women I know go on girls trips and have brunch and doing all these things with this tight-knit group of women they have been with for years.  I was jealous.  

When I found myself crying on my couch while my babies slept on my lap as a single mom, I realized now it would be even more difficult to grab that group.  Sure, we had a circle of friends and there were women in there, whom I will always be thankful for, but I found myself feeling unsure.  The women were a group because the guys had been together since college.  We weren’t tight-knit, though we said we were.  We were there because our spouses were there.  Sure, we grew together and formed bonds…but as I have learned the last handful of years, they were not life long friendships, with the exception of a very few.  

I was uncomfortable.  I didn’t know where I belonged.  My life looked nothing like theirs.  I didn’t want to bring down the room while I was gasping for air to survive.  So I retreated.  Those that are here with me for life showed up for me.  The rest fell away.  

As I started my in-depth healing journey I noticed even more fell away.  I did not keep in touch with anyone from back home.  No high school friends or college friends.  My marriage definitely took a toll on those.  

I found that I made friends through the school..  I found friendships in business.  Have I found my core group?  The jury is still out.  But I know I have a few.

When you shift energetically, many times people in your life fall away.  It can be difficult for those at a lesser frequency to keep up with you.  That’s not a bad thing.  It’s an opportunity for them to ask what you are doing to change and make a change for themselves.  Or a chance for them to realize they’re just going to stay where they are.  There is no right or wrong.  But make the choice for you.  

As I sit here writing this this post, I realize it’s going in a different direction that I intended.  And that’s okay.  We pivot in life. 

So let’s talk about WHERE you can find your friends.  They don’t have to be just like you - that can be boring.  But it is difficult to keep friendships with people who are fundamentally different than you.  

1. The Gym - I am not a fan of the small-talk at the gym but I have found that as I pick up the kids from child care, I see the moms.  I see the women at the same time as me, checking their phones and checking the tv where they show the kid area.  I don’t like to workout with anyone except Jason, so that does make this challenging, personally, but YOU can totally do it.  I believe in you.  
2. School - Join the PTA.  Volunteer in the classroom.  There are mom friends around every corner at the school.  But you have to put yourself out there for that one.  
3. Book Club - Join a book club.  Seriously.  I laugh at that one, too, because I don’t give myself time to read BUT a book club is a great way to get to know one another!  
4. Social networking groups - if you own a business, jump into a business group or find one that is a hybrid of social and business.  You’ll find people who understand that your time is limited and that your family is your priority….but that you also need to start making yourself a priority.  

Ladies+Mamas…. You are allowed to have friends and it’s healthy for you!  Your group may look like a tight knit, small circle of trust or it may look like a sorority party back in the day.  Whatever it looks like, it’s yours and you deserve it!  

I believe in friendships, if that isn’t clear.  (I tend to sound like the opposite of what I mean at times)  I’ve been challenged finding them and prioritizing them.  I’m a friend that is here when you need me but the daily check-ins are completely overwhelming.  Does that make me a bad friend?  I don’t think so, but I know it is not for everyone.  Just like personalities, there are different friendship styles and your group will need to provide what you need.  And that is okay.  

I sit here now with less than a handful of true, real, friends.  The ones I can call in the middle of the night sobbing and they’ll sit.  The ones that will jump on a plane when my world falls apart.  The ones who know my kids and my family and my goals and dreams and fears.  The ones that tell me to knock the shit off that isn’t serving me and celebrate my wins.  The ones that encourage me in the darkest times and the ones that make juvenile jokes as often as possible.  

The size of your circle doesn’t matter.  What matters is that they matter to you and that you matter to them.  That in the life that can become chaotic and busy, they know that you have their back and you know they have yours.  That’s what is important.  Some times you can give more to the friendship than your person, and vice versa.  We all have seasons in life that we need to be able to maneuver through without the stress of losing a friendship.  So show up and allow them to show up for you.