It’s the wake up call for me

My husband and I hosted his firm’s annual conference last weekend and it was everything we knew it needed to be.  I love when you plan an event with multiple speakers who all have different backgrounds and experience and the central theme runs strong…when there was never a central theme given. 

What I realized was this - we all spoke on vulnerability.  We spoke on who we are and more importantly, who we WERE.  Because if we don’t know where we came from, we will not be able to measure our growth.

So I sat there, feeling this theme running deep and knew why my talk went the way it went.  I was slated to speak on personal branding, which I did.  But instead of a checklist or a how-to build it, I spoke on being vulnerable.  I spoke about slices of my story that have held me back from being vulnerable, truly vulnerable my entire life. 

And then my alarm went off. 

You see - when I am able to speak about my past without getting overly emotional, I know my healing is complete or at the least, very close to being complete.  I couldn’t do that.  I planned to get on stage and say some things out loud that I needed to say…and I couldn’t say half of it.  The part I did get out I was able to get out through tears. 

After I was done sharing, I received such positive and amazing feedback.  People needing my story and needing to grant themselves the permission they heard in my past.  But I sat there, curious to my reaction.  So I sat.  I was challenged listening to those after me because I was being woke up with the loudest wake up call. 

Why did I feel shame and embarrassment?  Why did I desire to be liked above being understood?  Why did I choose to make myself small in the past in order to fit in a room I didn’t want to be a part of for years?  Why do I still do these things and ignore them? 

Because my healing is not just not complete…it hasn’t even started. 

Dang.  That stung. 

While I may not yet be ready to throw it out there on the internet (40 people in a room was quite scary), I am getting there.  So get ready for a series of my healing that I KNOW you will relate to more than you think you will. 

You’ll likely laugh at me.  You may cry at your experience.  And somewhere in between you will start to realize, as I am, that sharing is not as scary as it seems.  That your past is what shaped you and it should be celebrated and honored, not hidden and shamed. 

As I dig deep and find more layers that need healing, I look to this space to be able to open up.  As we build this community, I look to this space to be able to support me. 

And I am SO here for it.